Posts tagged ‘heart’

November 9, 2012

Day 304: Fauxfat

I’m getting in touch with the Shakespeare-within.

Although I will admit that I looked up the word “fauxfat” just to double check if it was real or not! Ha! Nope, it is my word!

fauxfat: noun. the areas on the body that appear too big (when mentally compared to air-brushed pictures of anorexic models) that cause a person to think they are really and truly fat but in truth are not: The beautiful woman looked in the mirror and saw nothing but her fauxfat.

I’m sure you can’t tell where this is goingā€¦ but in essence, I was looking at myself in the mirror the other day and I was like, “Man, a month ago I was all pumped about the way my bod looked and today I look at it am a little disappointed.”

Now I’m honestly not sure what has changed in my mind. Although, truth be told, my body might be a little bit bigger than it was a month ago. I’ve been discussing about some of the struggles I’ve been waking through with temptations and not wanting to eat fruits or veggies. But I think, like, three days ago I was looking in the mirror thinking “Girl, you looking gooooood.” So, regardless of what my body really does look like, it was a mental thing this time.

The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. You judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at your heart. 1 Samuel 16:7

And I know this to be true. I know it. Why do I keep denying its truth???

I’ve actually learned it first and foremost from my friend Aliceā€¦ she’s a skinny girl and likes to eat healthy (seriously, what is that about???? Hehe). But she also had issues with giving food the wrong place in her life. I may have “judged” her from the outside as having it all together, but her heart was having issues with food. And there is another girl at church that also looks like a model and a couple of weeks ago she was talking about her issues with sugar.

So, I know the heart is our true “image”, but how do I remind myself of that?

I think I need to just inundate myself with whatever scripture reminds me of truth. Maybe just for a few days and then find another because after a few days it starts to either seep in or just become “background noise” in my house.

Like, I’m going to write it on my mirror with a vis a vis marker. Put it on a random cabinet door in my kitchen (cause I know that I’ll ignore it if I out it on the fridge). Schedule in reminders on my phone calendar for random times during the day.

And maybe I can start to remember that I was made in His Image. And the only “fat” that matters is the excess of worldliness on my heart.

Guidance: What else can I do to help write a scripture on the tablet of my heart?

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June 8, 2012

Day 150: The Devil Wears Speedo

Ahhhhhhh, it’s pool season again.

Admittedly, over the years pool season has given me both trembles of excitement… and waves of nausea. Hanging out by the pool (which, in our case is a little kiddie pool) in the shade of a tree under the hot sun with a cool Texas breeze drifting over me… oh it’s just pure decadence to me. I love the heat and I love the water… not a big fan of hurricanes which is the only reason I don’t live on the beach. But with all of that comes… bathing suits. And bathing suits, I’m convinced, are of. the. devil. And I’d just love to tell you why I think that!!!

  1. If a girl is skinny or has a great figure or whatever, then starting at a very young age, she is pressured into wearing skimpy, skimpy bikinis… much to the chagrin of a mother trying to protect her innocence as well as the chagrin of all the mothers of boys who are trying to protect their already fragile innocence! (I have recently come to understand this more keenly working in the youth department at church…)
  2. If a girl is not so skinny or doesn’t fit into the “skinny girl norm” look then wearing a bathing suit is nothing short of humiliating. I mean, most of us spend hours shopping trying to find some kind of outfit that will cover our less-than-favorite areas, and then come pool season, we have to wear what is essentially underwear out in public… exposing our bodies for what they really look like underneath those well-planned outfits from the rest of the year.

See?

Proof that the devil does exist… bathing suits.

As an adult, I have teetered so long in between both of those categories above. I always wanted to wear a “cute” bathing suit, but hated to be revealing and… well… skanky, and even more, I hated having to reveal that I was far more overweight than my capris would allow anyone to see!

But… yes, there’s always a “but” isn’t there? (And when I’m in my bathing suit it’s a really big “butt”- hahaha! Ohhhhh, I’m so funny!)

The other day my four year old went to a swim party at a local natatorium with this awesome splashy play area inside and a lazy river type thing and a big pool area and a hot tub and a ginormous red water slide. It was awesome. We adults were to go and play with them, so I had my hubs stay at home while our toddler napped and my four year old and I went on a little mommy-son outing! And what must mommy-dearest wear to this pool party? Well, a bathing suit, of course!

Over the years, since my family loves to go to the lake on my dad’s boat, I have chosen to get competitive swim suits (like speedo or TYR) because they are very lake friendly (especially when my dad pulls us around behind the boat tubing… the man is a master at flipping my brother and I off the tube). And I figured that type of suit would be best for going to this play area with my son who does not yet know how to swim and would probably be all over me.

I tell you all of this to say that I was determined to not be stressed about my appearance there. I kept reminding myself that what I looked like in a bathing suit had nothing to do with… well, with anything! The bathing suit was merely to cover what it needed to cover and allow me to swim and have a blast with my son.

And you know what… I actually believed myself this time. I wasn’t self-conscious there. I didn’t even try to suck in my belly! I just… swam. and laughed. and splashed. and swam some more. and chased my son around. and then I swam some more with him. It was a great, great time!

It was really one of the first times that I have felt like I was living that verse that I have had to repeat to myself over and over and over again…

The LORD doesnā€™t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7

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May 22, 2012

Day 133: Face To Facebook

I haven’t been very… good… about taking “real” pictures of my kids the past several months.

Okay, so I have been horrible about it. My iPhone is just so totally convenient, so I never remember to take my “real” camera… and I kept forgetting to charge it whenever I would take it to an “event”. Thank goodness my mother goes to most of the “big” events in my life and she always remembers her camera, so I often just piggy back off of her pics!

Anyway, I did finally charge my camera and take pics at my son’s preschool graduation and at my toddler’s birthday! And I was just so stinking proud of myself that I put them on Facebook (which I also haven’t done an official “album” in a while… most of my pics are mobile upload pics)!

Well, in doing so, I had to go through and choose which pictures I wanted, because… come on. Let’s all be honest here. It don’t matter if there are 37 people in a picture and alllllll of them look fabulous… if I don’t look good then it’s not a good pic. Haha! So, I went through and weeded through some of the less desirable pics of me and others there.

And my emotions at looking at pics of myself were a little back and forth. I’d look at myself in one picture and think, “Wow. I look way skinnier than I realized” and then five seconds later I would look at a pic and think, “Wow… I’m not nearly as far along as I thought.”

But what I think is cool… is that those thoughts just sorta… ended… right there. I just stopped thinking about how I looked and went on with my day. I more so enjoyed all the comments that people were making about my precious boys in the pics having fun. And it wasn’t like I consciously had to think, “Now January… you are beautiful just the way you are.” It was more like my thoughts ran subconsciously but more in this vein: “Now January… The Lord doesnā€™t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

And I love that it was subconscious… that I never really thought about the fact that I was feeling “unconcerned” about my looks. I was just… well… unconcerned! To look back on that now at the end of the day, well, it’s just… cool. In fact, I’m kinda smiling to myself right now. Kinda… feeling the joy.

I take joy in doing your will, my God, for your instructions are written on my heart. Psalm 40:8

May 5, 2012

Day 116: Christian Closet

A couple of days ago, my good friend and former co-worker was coming over to chat while my oldest was in preschool and my youngest was napping. Even though she and I have been friends for a lonnnnnng time it’s been difficult to see each other as we go through the crazy stages of raising kids and so I was really extra excited to see her since it has been, like, five years since we last hugged each other’s neck.

And as I woke up that morning, I thought to myself, “Well, Rhonda’s coming overā€¦ I should do my hair (even though Thursday isn’t a day I usually “do” my hair) and I need to wear an outfit that makes me look extra skinny since I haven’t seen her in a while.”

And then I just sorta stopped myself. I thought, “Whoa. That is entirely off of the focus here. You need to just wear whatever you pick out in the morning and roll with it. No trying on 53 outfits to see which looks skinniest.”

And it wasn’t because Rhonda would love me no matter what (although she would!) but it was because Jesus loves me no matter what. Because Jesus looks at my heart.

And I saw a glimpse of myself having the potential to be one of those girls that I have always admired that looked comfortable and cute in whatever they were wearing but never seemed caught up in their looks. And I realized that I really don’t care about fashion or cute-clothes. I never really have. And that’s cool becauseā€¦

Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Colossians 3:12

So now, when I wake up in the mornings, I would love to spend a moment focusing on one of these qualities. Asking God as I dress in my earthly garb to make my humility stand out far more than the jeans I’m wearing. That my mercy would “bling” more than my necklace. That the kindness I show someone will show off Christ more than a shirt will show off my figure.

I would love for someone to think about having seen me during the day and not be able to recall a single item of clothing but be able to remember my gentle spirit.

Now, that would be one great outfit.

May 4, 2012

Day 115: Homeostasis

So… yeah. I haven’t lost any weight in two months. I haven’t gained any weight in two months.

I know that it’s pretty awesome to be able to say that. Well, I sorta knew but this morning my husband reminded me how awesome it was to be able to say that I have stayed the exact same weight for two months. He kept saying “Your body has found homeostasis.” And even though I have heard that word, I had to look it up. And then I read the definition and, well, I might be an English buff, but it was too complicated for a mid-afternoon-mommy-mind, so I looked it up on thesaurus.com and well, there were no other words for it, but I did remember that he said it was essentially “balance”.

Again, so. cool. to be able to say that my body is in balance!

But.

Yeah, I know… but.

But I don’t want to be in balance at 160 pounds.

And I’m afraid that this is going to be one of those posts where I just have to “keep it real”. Even though over the past week or so I have been saying how I don’t care about weight and I don’t care that I haven’t lost any weight recently… well, when it came down to it this morning when my husband weighed and told me a bit about some of his own personal weight loss goals… it turns out that I did care.

I went over to the scale and weighed myself. Wow, what a shocker (sarcasm, right there)… smack dab at 160 again.

I could feel the emotion of disappointment welling up in me. Even though I knew that I shouldn’t be disappointed. Even though I could remember instantly where I’d been. Even though. Even though. Even though.

But I was disappointed all the same.

And on the way to take my husband to work, I asked him, “Why do you think I haven’t lost any weight?” He talked about calories and whatnot, and then he said, “You obviously are expecting to lose weight as a result of what you are eating.” Indignantly, I reminded him, “But I’m not. It’s not about losing weight.” And then a bit later after he said that homeostasis word again, I said, “I’m fine with homeostasis. I just want homeostasis at 140 pounds instead of 160.” and that revealed again that yes, in fact I was expecting to lose weight.

I guess it was because not a whole lot changed about my eating during the month of March. I mean, I was still on my Lent fast, but I weighed 164 or 162 on March 10th. That was like two months ago… I guess I thought that I would be closer to 155 or 150 by now. But again, there was this subliminal desire that I would lose weight because of my covenant. No, it might not be the primary reason anymore that I am doing all of this, but I was hoping for it as a “perk”.

Okay, so I came face to face with that realization. Being honest with myself: yes, I was hoping to lose weight… or at least, more weight.

And once I faced that then I came back to the same question… okay, so why haven’t I lost weight? Am I eating too much? Am I eating too little and then eating too much? Am I eating the “wrong” things? Am I breaking the covenant in some way and being punished? (And I’m not saying that this was a good train of thought… but, it was my train of thought nonetheless.) I really mulled over that all morning.

And then, I thought, well… why not ask God?

So I did.

Why God am I not losing weight?

I didn’t really get an answer/revelation/realization immediately, but it did come.

And it came through Pandora.

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Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdom’s cause
As I go from nothing to eternity.

And to be honest, I have no idea how that song tied into my next thought but somehow it did. It was like I realized that I wasn’t really cool with just a spiritual healing. I was truly expecting God to give me a physical skinniness to go with it.

It made me wonderā€¦ would I have stuck it out on the covenant this long if I had not lost a pound?

Anyway, alllllll of this rambling to come to this. I sorta realized that I needed to not lose weight for a while so that I could really realize that I am going to have to keep working at letting go of this earthly desire to lose weight. Gonna have to let go of this earthly focus on my body. Gonna have to let go of anything of this world.

I tell ya, I’m getting that concept more and more but it just might take me this entire year to come to grips with it. But, like I was thinking about the other dayā€¦ it’s all about being patiently persistent until the fruit shows up. And the fruit is not outward this time, but a fruitful change of my heart.

April 7, 2012

Day Eighty-Eight: Cat Call

I’m not even entirely sure how to breach such a subject, but again, my blog is an avenue for me to work through issues that arise from a food addict losing a food addiction.

Like I mentioned yesterday, I have lost quite a bit of weight… would my body be featured in a magazine? Ummmmm, no. Would I want it to be? Ummmmm, no. But it does look a bit more like what this world praises as “fit”. According to whatever people invented the BMI, I have moved off of the obese range and am now “just” overweight.

But enough of that talk… what is my point?

Well, I got my first “cat call” in years the other day from some random guys down the street. And I mention it here because… well, because it felt good. It felt good to be found attractive by someone other than a family member that HAS to think that I’m beautiful (or at least has to SAY it whether they think it or not). But these were just random people that I have never seen before and will never see again.

Immediately, I was bursting with… well, I’m not even sure I know what I was bursting with. First there was a bit of surprise along with a look around to see who they were talking about. Upon realizing that it was me, I guess it was just regular ol’ pride I was feeling.

Okay, so a surge of pride, then the moment was gone, right?

Nope. I wish that had been the case but it wasn’t. I allowed my thoughts to linger on that “compliment” for hours. I had craved that kind of feedback for so long before meeting my husband (who compliments me all the time, by the way)… and I guess my mind just sort of falls back on that.

But I also began to hear that voice in my head that I was chasing after something wrong. Something dangerous. Oh how I wanted to ignore that voice and continue to bask in their words a while longer. But I kept hearing “THAT is not The Way… THAT is not why I have freed you.”

I have been freed from chocolate but do not want to simply pick up another habit of overeating chips and bread. Same thing here… I don’t want to lose an obsession with food simply to replace it with an obsession based on how mankind views my body. I’m afraid the latter would be a far more dangerous addiction than chocolate, bread, or chips.

Donā€™t judge by appearance or height… The LORD doesnā€™t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.ā€ 1 Samuel 16:7

April 3, 2012

Day Eighty-Four: Part II “Bad” Food Begets “Bad” Food

I was thinking of my post from yesterday about good food leading into more good food, and I think that it is the same for bad food. Now, I don’t like to really look at most food as “bad”, because I think that the gluttony is more of what makes foods “bad”. Like wine, for example… a glass of wine has little to no effect on me but I love the flavor of it. But, three glasses of wine… well, three glasses of wine will get me drunk. And, as much as a lot of people would like to ignore it, the Bible is clear about not getting drunk. So, the gluttony is what makes that particular food “bad” for some people.

Same thing with me and chocolate… I don’t think that chocolate is “bad” in and of itself… on the contrary, it is goooooooooood! Haha! But because it causes me to sin by leading me into gluttony, then, yes, by all means… it is bad. Bad, bad, bad. Because oftentimes when I eat a lot of chocolate, then I kind of get into this spiral where I eat (gluttonously) a whole bunch of other processed… stuff.

For someone else it might be chips… a lot of people can pass up a bag of m&m’s, but you stick a tube of Pringles out on the counter and they are done for. In that case, the Pringles are “bad” for them.

Again, it’s not about the particular food… but about the heart. It’s about making choices that please God. Whether it be covenanting from chocolate, sugar, coffee, wine, salt, chips, whatever.

And if your handā€”even your stronger handā€”causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. Matthew 5:30

And like I like to do, here it is in the “me” version…

And if your foodā€”even amazing tasting foodā€”causes you to sin, pull it out of the pantry or fridge and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one thing in your pantry than for your whole body to become involved in the sin of gluttony.

Well, when I put it that way, I might need to schedule a pantry cleaning out around the time my covenant runs out!

April 1, 2012

Day Eighty-Two: Damning Demands

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I sat down this morning before the boys woke up, cuddled up in my chair with my coffee (upgraded with a little unsweetened almond milk), and opened up my phone. I saw the Bible app on my phone (which is where I do almost all of my Bible reading these days) right next to my WordPress app.

Knowing that I was behind a day on my posting, I thought “Oh, I’d better come up with a blog topic.” But nothing immediately came to my mind. Now, mind you… this is all happening during the time that I have set aside for reading my Bible… not for blogging, but for some reason there are times when I… don’t want to. It’s usually when I have fallen behind on my reading and need to catch up several days worth (which is the case this time).

But luckily, I had no immediate thoughts of what I could write about, so I sighed and tapped open my Bible app.

I read a bit through 1 Corinthians 15, and then the next reading section was in Psalm 78… and here is what I saw:

They stubbornly tested God in their hearts, demanding the foods they craved. Psalm 78:18

Oh boy, was this ever a grab for me. Luckily the rest of my reading was in 1 Kings 6 and 7 which is all about building the temple, because my mind could not get off of that verse in Psalms. Not so much because it had the word “food” in it… although of course that is what grabbed my attention in the first place, but of the specific words and what they revealed to me about the condition of my heart pre-covenant (and sometimes the during-covenant).

I have tested God for years… not so much on purpose, but by just relying on other things to “save” me. And by thinking that being skinny was the end-all-be-all of life. As if being skinny would make all of my problems go away. To give you an example of how sick, sick, sick my heart was… there were times that I would secretly (and I mean secretly) hope for cancer so that I could be forced by chemo into losing weight. SICK! I’m so ashamed that I have ever had such thoughts, but part of this blog deal is to be open and honest. And if my cookie dough experience wasn’t enough to convince you that I needed help, then maybe that little tid bit of info might.

But the demanding part really got me as well… because I have had that kind of attitude with God for so long. As in, well, I’ll give up bread and chips and sodas… but do not ask me to give up chocolate. Seriously, cause I won’t do it.

Well, completely unbeknownst to me that it was happening, my “I won’t do it” turned into “I can’t do it”. And I found myself… not just wanting God’s help but needing it. having to have it. being unable without it.

And so, I guess this is just a reminder of how desperate my heart needed some… reconditioning.

And reconditioning it, He is.

March 25, 2012

Day Seventy-Five: Feeling Fine

This morning I found myself talking to a friend about my covenant. I had been talking to someone else about how I am sooooo ready to have an egg for breakfast or tilapia for dinner (can’t believe that I just said those things instead of a chocolate cake donut for breakfast and a ribeye steak for dinner) and while I was saying that another friend overheard and asked what I was doing. I briefly explained that for the year I am doing a broad Daniel Fast but for Lent I am doing a fruits, veggies, and nuts only fast. She asked how I was getting my protein and I told her that I eat a lot of avocados and nuts. She then asked a question that, surprisingly enough, no one has asked me during these seventy-five daysā€¦ “How are you feeling?”

It was an interesting thoughtā€¦ I said, “Ya know, I feel great! I mean, I came off of sugar pretty hard the first few weeks but now I feelā€¦ great!”

And I do! This is another side effect that I had not considered. But I haven’t had a headache in weeks (I usually have had three to four a weekā€¦ which I previously attributed to my TMJ), my heart never races anymore (and that was happening three to four times a week as well), my skin looks really great (I think), I really have noticed an increase in energy (but that could also be because of the change in weather to beautiful Spring weather)!

I can see how Daniel and his friends looked better than all the others after three weeks of fruits, veggies, and nuts!

At the end of the ten days, Daniel and his three friends looked healthier and better nourished than the young men who had been eating the food assigned by the king. Daniel 1:15

March 14, 2012

Day Sixty-Four: Greater Gifts

Today I was thinking of the difference between our countries and those that are in wantā€¦ in a generality, third-world countries. It seems so odd to me for my major life focus to be unlearning my overeating habits when there are people in other countries that would give anything to have what I typically eat for snacks!

But all the same, it is a problem of the heart for me. And I am reminded of the verseā€¦

Great gifts mean great responsibilities; greater gifts, greater responsibilities! Luke 12:48

I have grown up in Americaā€¦ I have lived a life that is essentially a “greater” gift: salvation at the age of eight, great parents, an awesome brother, and an amazing husband and children, financial security, extravagant shelter, and an abundant food supply.

Therefore, I have greater responsibilities. It is my responsibility to deal with that greater gift the way that God wants me to.

It is my responsibility to become a better disciple of Christ each day.

It is my responsibility to honor my parents, to encourage my brother, to respect my husband, and disciple and train up my children.

It is my responsibility to help maintain our financial state (or at least those parts that I do control).

It is my responsibility to take care of my home so that it will last as long as possible for us.

It is my responsibility to eat wisely and with control.

It is my responsibilityā€¦ given to me from God.

This puts yet another spin on approaching food with the right attitude. But, I guess I sort of accidentally also came across those other things. It sorta changes the way I will even look at chores and paying the bills and making sure my children are exposed daily to the Law of God and the Grace of Christ.

When I imagine that God has deemed me with these greater giftsā€¦ it makes me want to accept those responsibilities with graciousness and thankfulness. And not in hopes that I will receive more simply because I have been a good steward (that is a parable study for another day), but just because I want to honor God through appreciating His gifts by upholding the responsibilities that He has given me.

Wow. Honestly. That is all some kinda heavy stuff. But, hey, I’d rather have some heavy emotional and spiritual stuff and a lot of responsibility than the opposite of that. I’ll take blessingsā€¦ any day!

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