Posts tagged ‘healing’

August 7, 2013

Day 575: The “New” New

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Remember that time that I sorta went off the healthy eating reservation and struggled with food, and subsequently my weight, for several months…

Okay, for seven months…

And then when I finally snapped to about a week ago when I did a four-day Daniel Fast (which has turned into a twenty-one day Daniel Fast), I realized…

Wow. I gained quite a bit of weight during those seven months of struggle.

Cue: Time to get down on myself. Time to beat myself up. Time to question God’s plan. Time to cope by eating more. Time to reprimand myself for sinning. Time to cower before God’s punishment.

Only… this time that didn’t happen. Cause ya know why?

Cause I am new.

Yes, I know. New… once again.

I was new a year ago when I first started the covenant, and I coasted off of that newness for 365 days. Until I decided, in my infinite wisdom, that I could be both the old me and the new me.

Fail.

But now, I am a “new” new.

I have learned even more about God and His plans and His thinking and His ways.

His ways aren’t my ways.
My ways aren’t His ways.

I know now that after this 21 days that there will be another 21 days and another 21 days and another.

And I know now that after those 21 days, that this lifestyle of eating will continue until I transfer my residency from Earth to Heaven.

Because I have realized that God wants to heal me… not for just a year, but for a lifetime.

God, I want a permanent healing. Not just a year. Not just five years. I want to be fresh and “new” new forever. You see, these seven months I’ve been just holding on. Holding on to you. I’ve been depending on You, God; knowing that you are everything I need. Keep loving me, God, with all you’ve got— that’s what I’ve been depending on. Psalm 33:20,22 And now I keep holding on, but I feel like now I’ve let you pull me off of the cliff and that we are, once again, walking together. Help me stay waking with You, God. Amen.

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April 21, 2013

Day 467: Good Gluttony

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Thrown into an empty well by his brothers to die.
Sold by the same brothers to slave traders.
Sold again as a servant in Egypt.
Blackmailed by his boss’s wife.
Ended up in prison.

Joseph.

I have become nigh-obsessed with the story of Joseph.

You can partially blame that on Beth Moore as well, too… just like Day 449: Blame It On Beth Moore. Cause I’ve just finished her study The Patriarchs on Wednesday nights at my church. And the other partially would be that I was assigned his story to master teach in our youth department on Sunday at church a while back (Day 349: Ohhhh, Hockey Puck).

And it’s just so interesting how the bible can come alive over and over again. I mean… it’s Joseph. You know, Joseph and his coat of many colors?!?! Any kid who went to church heard the story of Joseph. And it was a great story then too… but it’s just cool to me how as an adult, I get something entirely different out of the story. As a kid I remember thinking the moral was “Don’t be prideful or people will try to throw you in an empty well.” Cause then I just sorta checked out on the rest of the story where all the bad stuff happens to him.

And now I realized that the second half of his life IS the story.

Because after all of that horrible stuff happened to him, he was raised to the highest status in Egypt, he was able to set aside grain for the entire country that would then feed his family, and he was able to reconcile with his brothers. And it all boils down to what he says to his brothers after his father has died and they are afraid that he will get revenge on them since Jacob isn’t there anymore to see it. He tells them:

You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people. Genesis 50:20

As I struggled a bit this week (what with the granola bars and all on Day 466: Hungry Hungry Hippie), I had to fight not getting down on myself for being imperfect. And then I remembered this story again… and thought, wow. Gluttony was trying to harm me, but God intended it all for good.

There is a lot of proof (my relationship with Him has never been closer and my faith has grown exponentially), but my favorite is this:

God has used my gluttony, my being in the pit, my selling of myself over to the sins of gluttony and food-lust, my burden of being overweight and trapped in the prison of sugar-addiction… He has used all of that for the good.

For you.

To save your life.

Because as I have traveled this path I have realized HOW. MANY. OF. US. THERE. ARE.

So many of us struggle with this. So many of us feel defeated. unhealable. trapped. lost. forgotten. resigned.

And it’s not just overweight women either.

Skinny girls. LOTS of skinny girls live on diets of chocolate. I know. I know because I’ve met them in coffee shops where they’ve bawled their eyes out. I’ve chatted with them while dropping off my son. I’ve read their emails to me where they confess their hoarding spots.

Manly men.
Average weight people.
Children.
Moms.

It’s… everywhere.

And I’ve seen and heard how God is using this journey of mine… from gluttonous to glorious… to help people begin their own journey of healing and renewal and freedom.

God is using my struggles with the sin of gluttony… for good.

And that… that is good.

May 4, 2012

Day 115: Homeostasis

So… yeah. I haven’t lost any weight in two months. I haven’t gained any weight in two months.

I know that it’s pretty awesome to be able to say that. Well, I sorta knew but this morning my husband reminded me how awesome it was to be able to say that I have stayed the exact same weight for two months. He kept saying “Your body has found homeostasis.” And even though I have heard that word, I had to look it up. And then I read the definition and, well, I might be an English buff, but it was too complicated for a mid-afternoon-mommy-mind, so I looked it up on thesaurus.com and well, there were no other words for it, but I did remember that he said it was essentially “balance”.

Again, so. cool. to be able to say that my body is in balance!

But.

Yeah, I know… but.

But I don’t want to be in balance at 160 pounds.

And I’m afraid that this is going to be one of those posts where I just have to “keep it real”. Even though over the past week or so I have been saying how I don’t care about weight and I don’t care that I haven’t lost any weight recently… well, when it came down to it this morning when my husband weighed and told me a bit about some of his own personal weight loss goals… it turns out that I did care.

I went over to the scale and weighed myself. Wow, what a shocker (sarcasm, right there)… smack dab at 160 again.

I could feel the emotion of disappointment welling up in me. Even though I knew that I shouldn’t be disappointed. Even though I could remember instantly where I’d been. Even though. Even though. Even though.

But I was disappointed all the same.

And on the way to take my husband to work, I asked him, “Why do you think I haven’t lost any weight?” He talked about calories and whatnot, and then he said, “You obviously are expecting to lose weight as a result of what you are eating.” Indignantly, I reminded him, “But I’m not. It’s not about losing weight.” And then a bit later after he said that homeostasis word again, I said, “I’m fine with homeostasis. I just want homeostasis at 140 pounds instead of 160.” and that revealed again that yes, in fact I was expecting to lose weight.

I guess it was because not a whole lot changed about my eating during the month of March. I mean, I was still on my Lent fast, but I weighed 164 or 162 on March 10th. That was like two months ago… I guess I thought that I would be closer to 155 or 150 by now. But again, there was this subliminal desire that I would lose weight because of my covenant. No, it might not be the primary reason anymore that I am doing all of this, but I was hoping for it as a “perk”.

Okay, so I came face to face with that realization. Being honest with myself: yes, I was hoping to lose weight… or at least, more weight.

And once I faced that then I came back to the same question… okay, so why haven’t I lost weight? Am I eating too much? Am I eating too little and then eating too much? Am I eating the “wrong” things? Am I breaking the covenant in some way and being punished? (And I’m not saying that this was a good train of thought… but, it was my train of thought nonetheless.) I really mulled over that all morning.

And then, I thought, well… why not ask God?

So I did.

Why God am I not losing weight?

I didn’t really get an answer/revelation/realization immediately, but it did come.

And it came through Pandora.

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Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdom’s cause
As I go from nothing to eternity.

And to be honest, I have no idea how that song tied into my next thought but somehow it did. It was like I realized that I wasn’t really cool with just a spiritual healing. I was truly expecting God to give me a physical skinniness to go with it.

It made me wonder… would I have stuck it out on the covenant this long if I had not lost a pound?

Anyway, alllllll of this rambling to come to this. I sorta realized that I needed to not lose weight for a while so that I could really realize that I am going to have to keep working at letting go of this earthly desire to lose weight. Gonna have to let go of this earthly focus on my body. Gonna have to let go of anything of this world.

I tell ya, I’m getting that concept more and more but it just might take me this entire year to come to grips with it. But, like I was thinking about the other day… it’s all about being patiently persistent until the fruit shows up. And the fruit is not outward this time, but a fruitful change of my heart.

April 28, 2012

Day 109: A Day At A Time

One of the things that has been the best for me as I go down this journey is this blog. Sure, I fall behind three or four days when life gets crazy (like, this week, when ev.ery.one. in my family, including me, got sick) but being able to come back and refocus my attentions to God has been… well, a God-send!

Even though I read the bible every day sometimes it’s not necessarily a direct connection to my covenant. Sometimes I need to remind myself of how the Word applies to my covenant specifically. And that is how this blog has helped.

But as I talk to more and more of you that are signing up with God to do a covenant of some type, I have realized how a lot of people… for a slew of different reasons… don’t really have thirty minutes to journal or blog or meditate or whatever every day.

So, I have an idea that I got from my friend Alice who is doing a 40-day covenant. It was sort of an accident. We text back and forth scriptures or express how we are doing or a need for prayer. Well, she texted me recently this text (and yes, I even changed her name before doing this screen shot! Haha- does that make me a huge nerd?!?!?!)…

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And her little statement of “Day 5 and Jesus’ love is still enough” sort of made me think. Wow. Just taking thirty seconds every day to write down either how Jesus has worked in your life or a scripture that helped you or a prayer. It could be such a neat way to see what God is doing for you. Or a way to find that verse again really quickly that ministered to you when you wanted to break.

You could get a little week at a glance calendar (my grandmother used to do this) and write in it every day at lunch or at bed or something. Or I’m suuuuuuure there is an app out there for this. Or start a private twitter account that isn’t public.

But I would say that being able to write down every day at least one sentence about the renewal that God has given you… well, it could be the thing you need to keep you going.

It makes me think of this scripture:
These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Deuteronomy 6:6-8

I mean I’m not saying write your sentence in sharpie on your forehead every morning- haha- but it’s the same concept. We need a daily reminder of God. a daily reminder of how far He has brought us. a daily reminder of His Goodness. His healing. His power.

So, there ya go. A suggestion to you and me: take it one day at a time.

And as for me too, Alice, day 109 and Jesus’ live is still enough!

April 25, 2012

Day 106: He Is.

Like I mentioned yesterday, I met up with a friend who has recently started the covenant and it was really neat to talk through some things with her.

It acted as a reaffirmation that this isn’t just something that works only in my head, but that it is God. And He is the same God to me. to her. to Christy. to Debra. to Sherry. to all of us.

But one thing that really stuck with me as she and I talked was the area of comfort eating (or comfort shopping, or comfort dating, or drinking, cutting, smoking, TV watching, etc). Most of us seem to have something earthly that we turn to instead of God. For me, it was chocolate. And if I didn’t have chocolate well then any old food would do. But like I mentioned on Monday, after a while of not having chocolate, my mind went immediately to the Word of God for comfort. But it has taken 100+ days of renewing and retraining for that to happen.

Here’s my point. (Sorry, both my boys have been up a lot at night this week with nightmares or sickness so I’m in that “I’m totally exhausted so I’m going to ramble” kind of mode!)

So here is my point. Haha!

What I think was important is that I had to cut chocolate and sugar completely out of my comfort options. Doing so allowed me a chance to retrain my mind to turn to God for comfort. I needed chocolate to be a non-option so that I couldn’t make it my god. Just like God used to tell the Israelites to do whenever they conquered a new city or area: total destruction of anything that could sway their affection from Him.

But once I removed that other “god” of chocolate from my life, then it simply made it easier to turn to Him. And so now, it’s not about turning to Him for comfort as a second choice because chocolate isn’t there, but now it is about turning to Him because I realize how much better He is at comfort. at healing. at love. at hope. at relief. at joy. at peace.

• No chocolate bar can comfort me in my hour of sorrow.
• No new shirt will be able to heal me of sadness or regret.
• No husband, boyfriend, or lover can ever completely love me as I am.
• No beer will give me hope of a future.
• No cut on my arm will relieve my pain.
• No cigarette will bring joy to my life.
• No amount of TV will give my mind peace.

But He can give me all of those things. Because He is…comfort. healing. love. hope. relief. joy. peace.

He is…everything.

He is.

Your promise revives me; it comforts me in all my troubles. Psalm 119:50

April 20, 2012

Day 101: Wonderful Weight

I got a new (free) app on my phone and was messing with it last night before bed. My friend Gayle (yep, changed her name too) asked me the other day if I had really looked, like at pictures or something, to tell the difference of how much weight I had lost. I really hadn’t so I plugged in a “before” photo and a “now” photo that was very similar to see the difference. And I was actually almost shocked! Now, I by no means thought that I was ugly before… I actually thought I was quite pretty. Not to sound stuck up but I always thought that I had a great smile and God has gifted me with a joyful spirit with which to use that smile. I was more so shocked at the mere difference.

So I posted this pic to her Facebook…

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With this caption…
So remember the other day you asked me if I had really looked at myself to see the change? Well, last night I got a new app and was messing with it and I put these two pics next to each other (sorta like a before and after I guess) and doing that I was pretty amazed at the difference!!! So thanks for bringing that up!

Well I didn’t think about the fact that my other friends would also see the pic and several of them commented.

And I was thinking about how cool it has been to lose weight because of God. I mean, it is nice to have an outward evidence of my inward healing.

And even though I have used the following verse before it has jumped out again to me about why it is such a blessing to be able to a) be healed of my food addiction, and b) be able to have my healing cause people to ask about God… so that His Power Might be shown in me, and hopefully in others as well.

“This happened so the power of God could be seen in him.” John 9:3

And if that can be the case, if the power of God can be seen, then all of my days of weight were wonderful.

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