Rock Bottom

Rock Bottom: I have referenced this moment several times already in my blog, but I realized that I hadn’t really written it out all in one place. So, here is my very own… rock bottom. bottom of the barrel. end of the line. all of those phrases would work. It’s what caused me to finally come face to face with Jesus and get things started on The Right Track.

Some moms are super moms… they can do everything. Keep a clean house, teach their kids to read, maintain the laundry, complete one to two pinterest projects a week (while also maintaining their own blog of 10,000 followers), follow a family scripture memory program that is on their fridge, become a photographer in their spare time, and make cute, but useful, gifts for their child’s teachers at Christmas.

Yeah. I’m not one of those moms.

So, last year when Christmas rolled around, I was really proud of myself for actually remembering just to GET something for my son’s teachers at his preschool… some cute little Christmas ornaments that my son and I had picked out. Buuuuuuuuut, I didn’t remember to actually TAKE their gifts to them before Christmas. Well… I remembered. On the last day of school. When I got there to pick him up.

Fail.

So, needless to say, when school resumed in the second week of January, I figured they had probably already even put away their Christmas decorations and here I was going to be coming in with an ornament that would then float around in their house all year since it would have missed the big “Christmas boxes to the attic” move. I decided instead to make them this Chocolate Chip Chunk cookie dough that my mom makes. It’s delish AND you freeze it into these little round “logs” and then you cut it frozen and bake it. I thought they could use it for when one of their kids comes to them last minute and says “Oh, by the way, mom… I know it’s 6:37am but I need a dozen cookies to take to school today.”

I got the recipe from my mom, and spent one of the afternoons that my son was in school mixing up the dough. Since I made a double batch for both teachers it is a lot of work because it FILLS UP the mixer bowl. Plus, there is all the taste testing that you have to do… I mean, it IS chocolate chip CHUNK after all… with THREE different types of chocolate. Well, I didn’t finish rolling them up into the logs and freezing them before it was time to go get my son from school, so I just put some saran wrap over that action and zoomed up to school to get him.

Then that evening rolled around and I was ready for a little snacky snack.

And what better thing to snacky snack on than… homemade chocolate chip chunk cookie dough? I pulled that big ol bowl of cookie dough out of the fridge and got me a spoon and went to town (while facebooking, of course). And then I put the saran wrap back on and stuck that cookie dough back in the fridge, because once again I had run out of time to put it into the logs.

And then I repeated the process over the course of three days. Straight up… I got to the point where I just left the spoon in the cookie dough bowl because soon enough I realized that there wasn’t going to be enough cookie dough left to make the gift cookie dough, plus, I had been eating right out of the same bowl as the dough I’d use to make their gifts… and that was just not cool. So, I sneak in the fridge and snag a spoon of cookie dough, or I’d just get the whole thing out when my kids were down for naps and I’d eat it for lunch.

Finally, the last night of this, I sat down at my computer and looked down into this bowl of cookie dough that was now almost entirely gone, and I just started to bawl.

What is WRONG with me?!?! {sob} Why can’t I stop this? {sob} I want to stop {sob} but I just can.not.do.it. {sob} I just ate an entire vat of cookie dough. {sob} I need help.

And I proceeded to sob into the bowl of almost-gone cookie dough WHILE looking up the website for Overeaters Anonymous WHILE eating what was remaining of the cookie dough.

Then it was like a voice spoke into my soul:

January, everything you need to defeat this stronghold, you have within you. You know what to do. You’ve done it before… follow Me.

I’d like to say that I put down the spoon and the bowl and said, “Yes, Lord… You are right! All I need to do is follow You!” Buuuuuuuut, unfortunately, I had more of a Moses-moment and replied, “No. No, I can’t do this. I am out of control. God, I cannot stop myself from eating. The ONLY time I have been able to resist eating chocolate and sugar was last year when I did that Daniel Fast for You…… oh. wait.”

It was like the whole thing came to me in that moment… yes. the only time I had been able to resist sugar had been last year during a Daniel Fast. I wouldn’t… no, I couldn’t stop eating sugar for myself, I couldn’t stop for my kids, I couldn’t stop for my husband even. But I would stop eating sugar for God. What if… what if I made a covenant with Him to do a Daniel Fast for three months? Imagine what could change inside of me during the span of three months?

So, knowing that I would need accountability and focus everyday, I hopped on to wordpress and started up this blog. But as I was typing out my “starter” page, instead of three-months, I wrote that I would make the covenant for one-year. It was like, I didn’t even realize it was happening.

But, there I was… with a covenant with God for a year. to not eat sugar. or meat. for a year. And I can just tell you the minute it started, I already felt such freedom. The battle was over. God had already won.

Since then, I have had all kinds of triumphs, failures, successes, and bumps along the road, but I have recently “signed on” for my second year of covenant with Him. And, I also just came full circle, and finally… finally, made the cookie dough, formed it into the little logs, froze it, and delivered it to my son’s teachers.

I am blessed. and highly favored. and free.

2 Responses to “Rock Bottom”

  1. Seriously? This is beautiful. The honesty. The epiphany. The grace. I’m so glad we’re bbff’s, or whatever you called it. You speak my language. You’re like my soul sister, but in a You’ve Got Mail kinda way. 😉

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