Day 434: Transparent Testimony

I don’t. want. to write. this post.

I want to be asleep in my bed. Snoozing and skinny.
I want to be free from this struggle with food.
I want to forget chocolate. forget sugar. forget bread. forget food.
I want to do just what I hear God calling me to do.

I don’t. want. to write. this post.

Because it means that I have GOT to start facing up to some things.

I’ve been eating chocolate. sugar. meat. bread.

Lots of it over the past few days. Not just a bite here and there. Not a taster. Not a respectful tiny bite to appease someone else who is feeding me. No. LOTS AND LOTS of chocolate. Anywhere and everywhere I could find it. Sometimes I’d put it off for a few hours, but then I’d give in. The leftover Christmas candy in the gift closet. The remaining chocolate chips in the pantry. The kid’s candy stash. The cake at Nanny’s. The Cool Whip in the fridge drizzled in Hershey’s syrup. The homemade granola bars I made for my son’s lunches.

Me. Eating. Eating. Eating. Eating.

And I have this hole in my soul. And every bite stretches it wider and wider. Until now I feel like I’m about to burst. And so, as I laid in bed tonight… I couldn’t sleep. I mean, who CAN sleep with a huge black hole of sin growing in your chest?

God. What am I doing?!?!? Why can’t I stop?!?!? I’m choking with sin. The sin of gluttony. The sin of dishonoring You. The sin of harming this beautiful temple that you have given me. The sin of wanting to sin instead of wanting to obey and follow you. Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, who will save me from this?

And at that, I knew those words were a verse, so I got up and came in here to my couch, revved up my laptop, and found it. My dear comrade through the ages, Paul, so very long ago found the words of my struggling heart…

The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 7:14-25

And God, I lean on this promise:

O Lord, if you heal me, I will be truly healed; if you save me, I will be truly saved. My praises are for you alone! Jeremiah 17:14

God, I cannot save myself… I cannot heal myself. It must be YOU that does this work in my life. Just as you raised Lazarus out of the grave… out of the pit… raise me out of this pit of sin. out of this grave of deathly living. out of the sludge of denying you.

I’m not even sure what to do from here. where to go. what to think. how to act. what to read. So God, I just lay my sinful soul at your feet. An offering. An incomplete, sinful filthy offering… but one that is covered in righteousness because of your Son. It is a sacrificial offering. And I am the sacrifice. Do what you want with me God. Change me. Ruin me. Build me up. Recreate me. 

Heal me. Save me. My praises are for you alone!

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6 Comments to “Day 434: Transparent Testimony”

  1. I’ve been really praying for you, because I feel your pain in trying to do your best, and then “fail”. Continue to know we cannot fail, when we know Christ is way more powerful than our temptations. We’ll fall…oh yes all the time, but keep your focus on heavenly things and not earthly things. Satan loves it when we are miserable, but maybe keep your tempations expectations smaller like just staying away from sugary snacks, but God does provides the bread and meat that is good to eat.

    • Thank you for the reminder to keep my mind on heavenly things and not on earthly things! I think that has been my issue- I’ve been more focused on the can-haves and can’t-haves of the food that I was forgetting about the One that made it all in the first place!

  2. The Lord laid these Scriptures on my heart to read yesterday & today also before I even read this blog!! All day I listened to the Book of Romans over and over and over! How awesome that He is telling us the same thing! I continue to struggle also….. But have found great comfort in meditating on Romans 7. Our sin nature is dead… We are dealing with a sin habit now that He will work in us to destroy and shape us more into His image. Philippians 1:6!! 🙂 I trust we WILL someday have deliverance from this sin ‘habit’ we have in common and will use our struggles to affectionately help others in need. I am seeing a Christian counselor now and she is having me daily write 10 things i am thankful for (no repeats) and daily victories. Today, as i finished my meal and which would normally be when i start searching the cupboards for more to begin my cont. enslaving overidulgence… I cried out “God help me Im not strong enough” And it reminded me that the counselor told me that when I’m tempted to ever eat turn on praise music. The words “strong enough” reminded me of lyrics I had just heard in a song yesterday. I was not too familiar with the song until I looked up the lyrics and played it. I began to cry because all the words in that song was exactly what I was feeling and wanting to say to God. I was strengthened to overcome that temptation and played that song over and over all day. That was by far my biggest victory of the day. 🙂 Matthew West “Strong Enough!”! God bless you and I will continue to pray for you!

    • 1. LOVE the idea of writing down the ten things everyday! Gonna do that as soon as I hit reply!
      2. Oh my goodness! God totallllllly gave me Phil 1:6 today too- in fact, my next post is all about it! I scrawled it out on my kitchen whiteboard to remember it all day!!! I think it is so cool when the Holy Spirit sends out the same Word to us all!

  3. I wanted to encourage you last night right after I read this, but I prayed for you instead. Your transparency. Your honesty. God delights in that. And in you, my friend. And remember, He came to set you free from the grip of sin and our flesh. Don’t forget that. And remember Romans 8:

    “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. 3 For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, 4 in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.”

    Take heart, sister. He is working in you. And that is a great thing. And remember, His power is made perfect in your weakness. You don’t have to be the strong one here. Let Him.

    ❤ Jen

    • Gurl- ALWAYS pray for me instead (as long as you promise to write a comment soon after that! Haha! Cause I love your comments!)

      Romans 8. ❤ (All of Romans, for that matter. Thinking I'm just gonna do what the other girl did and play it all day long tomorrow.)

      And yes- he IS working in me! You are so right. And I love that "You don't have to be the strong one here. He is" LOVVVVvvvvvvvEEEEE that.

      There is a way more optimistic post coming (prob tomorrow cause I'm WAYYYY to tired to write tonight)!

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