Day 340: The End

Yesterday I wrote about how my mother helped me to “discover” vitamin B12.

I woke up easily (instead of sleeping through three alarms like the past couple of weeks).

I did three loads of laundry.

Washed a couple of pots and pans.

Kept up with my toddler.

Took my kids to the park.

Made their lunch.

Got them down for naps.

Chatted with my parents.

Went to dinner with some friends.

Watched Captain America on Netflix.

And unfortunately here I sit at 2:08am unable to sleep.

Not because of the B12… at least I don’t think so… but because of the stuff in Connecticut.

And I keep thinking of those mommas.

Those mommas.

Sitting… sitting somewhere. And I say sitting because they aren’t sleeping. Not tonight. Not when their babies are gone.

So they are sitting somewhere. Somewhere crying. Somewhere with a hole in their hearts so big… the hole is bigger than they are. The hole feels like it’s going to swallow them. And, tonight, they probably want it to swallow them.

And I can’t get out of their minds. I can’t stop myself from thinking their thoughts. And now it’s 2:17am and I am nearly suffocating with pain for them. For their lives that will forever have a hole. a shadow. a ghost. a life unlived.

And ohhhhh the regret. That one momma… there has to be one… that was snippy with her child this morning. That forgot to look deep into her child’s eyes and say “I love you.” I feel her regret more than anything. She will choke on it for days… for weeks. She will know it every time she parts from someone. She will carry that moment of… self… forever.

And I am not sure if I will sleep tonight. I fear her regret. I admit it. I fear it. Tonight I hugged my brother… and we said “Peace”. I thought to myself “Say ‘I love you.’ Say it. Say it.” But then the moment was gone. And I opened myself up for that moment of regret. And I walked to my car. And that was it.

And I left my son asleep at my parents house this afternoon. Why? Cause it was easier than waking him up and him wanting to wave goodbye.

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Why????

And right now I stop myself.

Because… because…

God.

Because God is the Beginning and the End. I fear the endings of this world because they feel like they are the end. But these “endings” are not.

Only HE is the Beginning and the End.

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